Mind Over Low Libido

A woman wrote to me a while back with what seems like a simple question (but isn't). "I do not feel sexual or have any desire for my husband, or in general. How can I get that feeling back?"

A pop-psychology answer would blame her husband or maybe her biochemistry, and would hand her lingerie, a libido gummy, and a scheduled sex appointment on the calendar next to the dentist appointment. None of those approaches gets anywhere near the actual problem, because the actual problem is a core strategy that we have learned over at least 3-4 generations now which is killing libido.

The natural law that governs libido is: the masculine is attracted to the feminine, and the feminine is attracted by the masculine.

Think of it like electricity: the moving force pulls to the stationary charge, and the stationary charge is attracted by the moving force.

Attraction runs on that difference. Collapse the difference and the pull stops. This is not a punishment or error. It is a correct function so that complex relationship systems can work.

So if desire isn't there, it's because you've blocked your feminine. You're not connecting with it. In Germanische Heilkunde, we know that special biological programs do that for us. They help us block feelings that we don't want to feel. In the case of blocking our feminine, that is, specifically, a temporal-lobe conflict; specifically, a feminine (belonging) conflict in a woman.

The temporal lobes also handle territorial (masculine) conflicts. And libido problems are almost always a result of one partner with territorial conflicts and the other with feminine conflicts, feeding each other in a loop.

Here's that loop:

1. She doesn't trust the relationship is a safe container, so she stops waiting inside it. She crosses over into his side and starts managing him — his follow-through, his tone, his decisions — because if she can get him right, the container will finally feel safe (she believes). This temporal lobe conflict shifts her chemistry: her estrogen drops, her relative testosterone rises, and she masculinizes.

2. A man led, judged, and corrected by the woman he loves doesn't experience that as helpful feedback. Leading and deciding is his role. For him, judging is loving; it's how he provides for, protects, and cherishes those in his territory. To him, her correction reads as: "the thing I am is the problem." He goes quiet. He stops leading. He waits to be told. He complies once, badly, resentfully. And he sulks when she calls him out on it.

3. He becomes a teenage boy in his own house. And he got there trying to please her. But now she has even less trust in the container.

That's the whole mechanism. Your libido left when your husband turned into your teenage son, because no mother wants to have sex with her son. That's not a broken libido. That's a working one, correctly refusing.

The way out isn't more explaining, more communication workshops, or scheduling around it. You can't work on desire directly any more than you can push the wind. It's downstream of the roles, and the roles are downstream of who's holding the territory.

The way out is for you to solve your feminine wounds. And to do that, you have to submit.

The problem (caused by multiple generations of feminist thinking), is that we feel absolute terror at the idea of submission. But submission doesn't mean becoming a doormat and taking abuse.

What it means is, handing the territory back to the one it belongs to. It means no longer grabbing the controls over other people's territory - especially your man's territory. Put down what was never yours to carry, the way you'd render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and render unto God what is God's. You solve your feminine (belonging) conflicts when you deliberately stop running his side of the relationship.

None of this is a claim about what you're allowed to do out in the world. You can run a company and still come home to your feminine. But you must not help yourself to others' territory. Because that is toxic (conflictive) masculinity. And it's unhealthy and will pour water all over your spark plug.

The moment a woman sets the territory down, two things happen almost like magic. First, she softens back into her feminine which immediately makes her biologically attractive to the masculine again. Second, her softening is the very thing that calls his masculine instincts back online, because a respected man starts resolving his own territorial conflicts. He starts leading again. Protecting again.

And a man standing in his territory, with a woman soft enough to trust him with it, is the whole engine of what makes sex sexy in the first place.

In the full episode I walk through the biology of why this happens, tell the story of the worst backseat driver I ever rode with, and lay out the practical moves that hand the territory back — without you ever having to "work on" your desire directly. Listen now to hear the whole thing.